80/20 Nature versus Nurture

That’s my guess on the ratio. What’s yours? How much of you is hard-wired versus how much is learned in life? Your answer says a lot about how you will handle your weaknesses and strengths.

I’m an 80/20 guy. 80% of how you are is your DNA…it’s in your genes…you are mostly hard-wired to be the way you are.

Of course, you have some say in how you turn out. For example, your home life, your influences, your environment, and your education all contribute. But in my opinion, it’s only about 20%.

This balance between nature and nurture is an age-old question—it goes as far back as Socrates. And still, no one knows the exact numbers, even though it has been a subject of endless fascination by scientists. But what you say it is says a lot about where you’ll focus your life and how you’ll treat others.

When I was a kid, I struggled with my temper and lost my cool. My buddy right next to me could fix his toy, tinker with it endlessly, fiddle here and there, not feeling his temperature rise, not feeling his stomach boil. He seemed to actually find fun in the difficulty and the puzzle.

But not me. No, no, no. After a while I threw that stupid toy at the wall and stormed away. I wanted to stomp on that thing and smash it to smithereens and rid the earth of its existence. (Yes, future problem child.)

That was my hard wiring. It’s just how I’ve been since I can remember.

Am I this way because I saw my dad lose his cool? Yeah, I guess, it probably had something to do with it. But my brother saw the same father and he doesn’t struggle with anger.

Maybe I’m this way because my mom tolerated it and didn’t discipline it out of me? Okay, uh, I guess that could have an influence.

But I mostly think I’m this way because that’s how God made me. It’s just how I am. It’s one of my demons. You have yours and I have mine.

Now, can I change it? Can I bring my temper under control? Can I count to ten and breathe deeply when I feel the heat coming on? Can I ask God to remove this thorn from my flesh? Yes, yes, yes. That’s what I’ve done and will continue to do. (Although so far God has said ‘no’ to removing this thorn from my flesh.)

I’ve also seen this hard wiring at work in my own kids and grandkids. With my three sons, I saw their character emerge within the first several years and it has held true for thirty plus years. With my grandchildren I’ve studied it even more carefully. I took special note of early signs of a temper, how much they were drawn to nature, how sensitive they were, and how strong their will was. I observed their attraction to the tennis ball, to the truck, to the mechanized car, to the doll, or to the outfits.

It’s only a sample of six, I’ll grant you, but the results are astoundingly consistent (three sons and three grandkids). They come out of the womb a certain way and most of it has stuck.  

So, what does this all mean? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s 70/30 or even 50/50. To me, the question isn’t which ratio is right, but what you do about it.

Here’s what I’ve done: I lean into my natural nature and have tried not to fixate on my weaknesses.

I still struggle with my temper. So, even though I love pickleball, I don’t play it competitively. It’s just too hard for me to not lose my cool. Why tempt nature?

Instead, I lean into what I’m naturally good at. I hone my sweet spot, I work on it, I fan the heck out of that flame. I’ve even elevated it to a spiritual exercise saying to myself: “If God gave me certain skills and inclinations, I’m going to maximize them and see how much I can bless the world with them.”

Here’s an example. One of my ‘superpowers’ (lowercase ‘s’) is making the complex simple. It’s just how my brain works. I distill well. I’m good at drawing parallels from everyday life. I like simple words. Jargon is distasteful to me.

For the past twenty years, my job is to design pension plans for companies. However, pension design is complex, as we have hundreds of tests, percentages, and compliance metrics we must adhere to, all governed by the IRS. This leads to the question: how do I effectively explain these complexities to my primary customer, the business owner?

When I came into the field, we communicated with these clients using spreadsheets with dozens of columns and rows. I distilled it down. I cut columns and increased white space. I added colors. Essentially, I made the complex simple. And that has led to cowriting a great-selling book on the subject (Beyond the 401(k)) and speaking nationally about the plan-type.

So, two questions for you:

1)      What’s your guess on the ratio?

2)      And where do you focus your energies?

With yourself, do you fixate on your weaknesses? Or do you fan into flame your natural inclinations?

With a spouse, how gracious are you? Do you needle a weakness? Or do you redirect your attention to her strengths, even if it is only in your mind? (BTW, graciousness may be THE superpower in marriage.)

With your kids, are you molding the clay you’ve been given? Or trying to cast them into your image?

With your friends, are you gracious with their quirks? Or do they make you want to run, buy a boat, and move to a deserted island?

Nature is no excuse to be less than. And I’ve never used it as one. But it has helped me to finally accept how I am and make the absolute most out of how God made me.  

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