Texting has helped my marriage

How a marital spat was resolved with a simple 3-line text. Where have you been all my life?

The benefits of texting are clear. You can communicate quickly. You don’t have to talk and go through the niceties of the day…”Hey, how are you? The weather…? Good, good, no, I was just wondering…” You can appear a much better person than you really are…more positive, more magnanimous, more encouraging, sprinkling your text with cute emojis. You can plan efficiently, as long as you don’t get into a group text with a mega-texter. I mean, the benefits go on.

But I found it can even help with deeper stuff. Like marriage stuff. Like a tense situation with your spouse.

On a Sunday, we had a family night at our house. Threehours of pickleball were followed with drinks and jacuzzi. Then we enjoyed an order-in dinner. All good. As the night was winding down, I was fiddling around in the kitchen and placed some of the leftovers in storage containers for lunch the next day.

Joyce walked in and asked, “Hey, what are you doing? Those are so-and-so’s leftovers.”

I felt like I’d had my hand slapped. I paid for all this freaking food and I’ll keep what I want, was my first thought—but not what I said. I gave Joyce a toned-down version of that sentiment.

“But it’s theirs and you should let them take it home,” Joyce said.

I felt the heat rise into my face. “If I take some, they’re not going to notice.” I said, continuing to scoop all the best morsels into my container.

When she left the kitchen, I was pissed, I’ve got to admit. I felt like I should be able to take some luxuries with the leftovers, after paying for the entire dinner. Joyce completely disagreed with me.

Well, TV that night was a mostly silent affair between the two of us. I said ‘goodnight’ when I sauntered upstairs, but it was a mere courtesy. I almost fell off the bed trying to distance myself from her. The next morning we had head-down, eyes-averted passes in the kitchen.

Yeah, it was one of those tussles. One that can linger in the home for days.

The next morning, I sat at my desk, my stomach in knots over our tension. What bothered me so much about the night before? I wondered. Why was I so hot under the collar?

Then it hit me: I felt humiliated by how she slapped my hand in the kitchen. Not uppercase ‘H’ humiliated, of course. But just embarrassed. And not the kind of embarrassment I should be feeling after paying for the dinner.

Then a text dinged in from her and she didn’t even mention the prior night. Hmmm. Was I imagining the tension?

So, I thought I would text back and actually address what happened. I knew it was a risk because some history-laden marriage interactions can’t be solved with 40 hours with Dr. Phil, much less a text. But I thought I’d try.

Here was my text (which I dictated with full punctuation): “Hey babe, about last night. When you came into the kitchen, you made me feel kinda like a little kid, like I was stealing. The least I should be able to do is keep some leftovers, with all we do for the kids.”

Now, I know this could have gone many ways. It could have started a text war. It could have been met with silence or a cryptic response. Or it could have extended the stilted conversations for a few more days.

But it didn’t. Joyce texted back, “I get it. No problem. Won’t do it again.”

Are you kidding me? It was that simple? I love you, text!

That night, as I was forwarding one of our shows, she spoke up and told me she was sorry. I thanked her. Then I paused the show and explained briefly how I felt. She understood. Problem solved.

Now, I don’t know if this example is universally applicable. I don’t know if most spouses would react as Joyce did. I don’t know if it speaks to 40 years of marriage and some of the benefits that accrue over time if you put in the work. I would imagine some people (men) might use texting as a way to avoid ‘having the talk’. Face-to-face will never be replaced.

But I do know that texting can play a beautiful role sometimes. There are occasions when it can give you the breathing room to be more gracious than you might otherwise be. It can take the confrontation out of a disagreement. Or, if you underestimate “tone” and word choices in texts, you can create a whole new set of problems.

I guess my advice would be to use it sparingly. But don’t be afraid to use it.

This incident happened a few years ago, and since then Joyce and I have found a real place for texting to make our marriage better. Maybe you can, too.